it was a pretty okay week.

i was getting shit done.

then started getting really stressed with a video editing

didn’t make it to training for my new job

found out i have a shitty schedule for my last week at my old job

i have a test coming up

oh and the best part?

my parents put my dog to sleep without telling me.

they said she was sick and the vet said she was in pain.

i didn’t even fucking know they were going to do it.

they didn’t text or call me.

i got home to see her cage was empty and they just said they’ll talk when they get home.

that talk was just stating a fact they put her to sleep while i was gone to save me from tears and lingering.

fuck that shit.

she was probably terrified and wondering what she did wrong.

i didn’t get to fucking say good bye to her or anything.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

i feel like i’m the worst owner in the world for letting that fucking happen.

and i dont even feel like going to the gym.

i probably should but i just don’t feel like it.

she was the weirdest, ugliest, most adorable dog i ever had and the only pet my family had that actually wasn’t hit by a car or ran away. 

she fucking stayed here and now she’s fucking dead.

cheers. have a good weekend.

At the moment, I’m really happy. I love the people in my life, who are still part of my life, who are becoming important and who have always have been, and etc.

School’s getting more challenging but at the same time I’m getting closer to finding out who I am and what I want to do.

I’m getting more independence from my parents. I feel more grown up and I like having the freedom to do pretty much anything I want. 

Everyday is mine. I can choose what to do. I love that.

At the same time I’m scared shitless because everyday is fucking mine. I can do whatever I want. What if i do the wrong thing? I’m so used to being guided. I’m the youngest in my family and so used to following the footsteps of my brother and sister or the words of my parents. I want to branch out. I feel like I already have. I’m slowly becoming the black sheep of my family. I’m okay with that, but I just want to know that I’m going in the direction that will bring me the most happiness. I just want to know what I’m supposed to be doing. 

I would do it if I knew for sure. But I don’t. 

I’m still insecure. I still don’t like my body. I still doubt my “talents”. I still compare myself to people. I still want to change, or better yet improve, who I am or what I am. 

People say I’m fine. I look good. I have a lot to offer. Etc, etc. 
Others say I could use improvements. Which is true for everyone, no complaining. It’s just true. There’s always room for improvement. 

Different logics of my brain are constantly fighting.

One side says, “It is what it is. Why fight it? You are who you are. Embrace it. Love it. Own it. Be thankful for it. You’re more fortunate than others. You’ll be happier if you accept you in all your flaws don’t be ashamed. You aren’t alone in thoughts like these.”

The other says, “Fight. You have the option to be who and what you want to be. Why don’t you? You can have a better body, better outlook, improve your talents. So do it. Instead of complaining do something about it.”

Both make sense to me. If I fight for anything, is it for my benefit or so others think better of me? If I choose to leave myself as I am, am I doing it because I’m comfortable with who I am or because I’m lazy and have given up on myself? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. 

Which road of Happy should I go towards? There’s no real wrong answer is there? Bah. 

I’m happy to say that I don’t think of you often. Life is good and I’m feeling like I need you that way less and less. At the same time of feeling more together, I feel guilty for not thinking of you anymore. Which is utterly stupid.

It sucks that when I do think of you for some reason I just get slightly sad. The feeling usually comes and goes, but when it doesn’t go and decides to linger I start to just miss you. Which is, again, utterly stupid.

I don’t miss you the same way anymore. I miss talking to you for conversation. I think I’m so used to talking to you late at night. When the texts stop making my phone buzz I sometimes think, “Oh hey, I should text Topher to see whats up.”

Is that weird?

This is a con from staying up late. It gives you time to think about utterly stupid shit. Like ex’s. 

i don’t know why.
at first i’m really excited, snuggled up and ready to go

half way through when things start going wrong i just get all sympathetic for the characters

and then in the end im happy they’re together and shiz

but then i realize my life will never be like that. ever.

why do i do this to myself?